NBA All-White Team

NBA All Star game voting has started, which means that every sportswriter and internet blogger will be picking their own All Star teams. If you’ve read any of my past blog posts however, you’d know that I don’t like doing the same stuff that everyone’s already seen. I like bringing something new to the table (see “Special NHL Midseason Awards”), and while some conservative people might not like this next post, I think it’s funny and pretty interesting, and I hope you think so too.

My NBA All-White Team

Center: Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves. I know he’s not really a true center, but he was in college, and he’s leading the league in rebounding (15.6) by a ton. He’s also pasty white, undersized, can’t really jump, and has great fundamentals, which gives him major white guy points.

Power Forward: Pau Gasol, Los Angeles Lakers. He’s a big, skilled, recently turned tough post player with exceptional touch around the basket. Gasol will be the main low post threat on this team, and a great compliment to Love down low. He’s also got crazy shaggy white guy hair, a definite plus.

Small Forward: Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks. I know Dirk isn’t technically a SF, but this team’s got a lot of size and a lot of post players, so we’ll make an exception. Dirk will be a huge matchup problem, and he’ll definitely be the go-to scorer on this team.

Shooting Guard: Manu Ginobli, San Antonio Spurs. Our third straight European! Manu would be a great addition to the starting five, as both a slasher and a spot up shooter.

Point Guard: Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns. Who else would you want to lead your team? I know Nash is usually better with athletic guys running the floor, but he should be fine with this group of tall, slow white guys. He’s also great friends with Dirk, has great white guy floppy hair, and is Canadian. What more could you possibly want in your All White floor general?

Bench

Forward: Joel Przybilla, Portland Trail Blazers. A very hard choice between Przybilla and Chris Anderson for the big man energy guy role. They’re extremely similar players, and because of this, it came down to a matter of body art. Anderson has way too many tattoos to fit in on this team, sorry Birdman.

Forward: Andrei Kirilenko, Utah Jazz. Gives this team some much needed athleticism and floor running capabilities off the bench. He’s also a pretty solid defensive player and role player, and on a team loaded with stars, these qualities can’t be ignored. On top of all this, Kirilenko’s Russian, giving him some additional white guy points.

Forward: Hedo Turkoglu, Orlando Magic. It was hard to choose between him and Andrea Bargnani for the “7 foot forward who hangs out on the perimeter and shoots threes” spot. I eventually picked Hedo because of his ability to help run the second unit, and his past success in the playoffs.

Guard: Kyle Korver, Chicago Bulls. He’ll be the spot up shooter off the bench for this team. I almost picked J.J Reddick in this spot, but Korver’s got Beiber hair, which gave him the win. I know J.J went to Duke, the ultimate white guy school, but Korver’s hair still beats him out. Sorry, it’s my team.

 Guard: Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks. Great veteran to help lead the team and backup Steve Nash.

11^th man: Omri Casspi, Sacramento Kings. He adds some more multi cultural flair, and gives this team a very versatile, athletic 2-3 player.

12^th man: Matt Bonner, San Antonio Spurs. Every team needs a ginger! Bonner also always seems to be playing on championship contending teams, so it can’t really hurt to have him on the roster. Don’t worry though, he won’t actually play.

Just Missed the Cut: Bargnani, Anderson, Reddick, Mike Dunleavy, and Jose Calderon.